Saturday, September 17, 2005

Elf Finger Found In Box of Keebler Cookies

Indianola, IA—Indianola resident Jose Vercruz made a gruesome discovery Sunday, when he opened a package of E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and found a tiny, golden-fingernailed appendage believed to be an elfin index finger

"It was horrifying," said 43-year-old Vercruz, a shoe salesman and frequent snacker. "At first, I thought it was just a broken-off little cookie chunk, but then my tongue brushed a tiny bone on the end, and I spit it out."

Forensic investigators say the digit is an index finger, measuring nearly three-quarters of an inch, and bearing a small signet ring embossed with a tree design. A spokesperson for Kellogg's, Keebler's parent company, denied responsibility for the incident.

"The finger found in the box of E.L. Fudge cookies is nearly an inch long," said Kenneth Froud, director of public relations for Kellogg's. "An average Keebler elf is about as tall as a Chips Deluxe cookie. The finger in question is far too big to be that of an elf."

Warren County police are investigating the grisly incident, obtaining warrants to access workelves' compensation records and interviewing employees in hopes of locating the finger's owner. Assisting in the investigation is Harvey Quinn, a workplace-safety and labor-relations consultant and longtime critic of Keebler workplace conditions.

According to Quinn, Keebler's denials are "a cunning subterfuge."

"When the elves roll fudge-stripe cookies down the production line, they are about three inches tall," Quinn said. "However, when they are outside of the enchanted tree, they grow to nearly three feet."

Quinn said the "real issue" is Kellogg's track record of nonhuman workers' rights violations, explaining that the company is currently facing multiple lawsuits, including cruelty to an endangered talking species of bipedal tiger and toucan abuse.

"Since the '70s, the Keebler elves have toiled around the clock in a cramped, unventilated, hollow tree," Quinn said. "The stories you hear about 'magic ovens' and 'elfin magic' are nonsense. The only thing 'magic' about the Keebler tree is the quote-unquote 'invisible gold' the elves are paid in."

Quinn said Keebler's safety violations number in the hundreds, and singled out a controversial, high-velocity device retrofitted in 1992 to manufacture Chips Deluxe cookies.

"During the 13 years the device has been in use, it has pelted numerous elves with chocolate chips," Quinn said. "Just last year, an elf was hospitalized after being pummeled with chips moving at speeds exceeding 80 miles per hour."

The elf, 212-year-old Ireth Telemnar, later died from massive internal bleeding and head trauma.

While no public records are kept on the number of magic-creature body parts that turn up in processed foodstuffs, Calvin Blosser, a senior researcher for the Food and Drug Administration, said that their frequency is very low.

"We estimate that fantasy-creature body fragments in foods such as cookies, crackers, and cereal account for no more than two parts per million," Blosser said. "This is lower than the maximum allowed amount for insect parts and mouse hairs in equivalent products."

Some are questioning Blosser's estimate, as the elfin-finger incident follows an occurrence in April of this year, in which a Sioux City, IA man found the lower half of a diminutive humanoid creature with green leggings, a belt buckle, and pointy green shoes in a box of Lucky Charms cereal. The man settled out of court with General Mills for an undisclosed sum.

Monday, August 29, 2005

I'm done

Saturday, August 27, 2005

High School is Badass...For now anyway

Really the purpose of this site is to point out all the crap that's wrong with IHS. The title really would've give you that impression, but trust me. That's what my intent is. Unfortunately there are some really badass teachers at the HS. And if they're cool, I'm not gone make stuff up about them. I just have to say that so far ALL of my teachers, no kidding, have been, well great. That is so far anyway.

The same probably goes for you too. Some of the teachers are putting on their "nice masks" for all the new freshman. Give them a couple of week and you'll know what they're really like. I'm certainly not saying this about all the teachers. Because last years sophomores talk. And they'll tell you know the "real" nice ones are.

Also I'm just going to put this out there. Anybody who isn't fat and in Volleyball, Football, Soccer, Ping-Pong, Swimming, Wrestling, Tennis, Baseball, or Art Club, you should join track in the Spring. Oh what the heck, fat people can come too. You can do the shot put.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Cubbies

Everybody likes the cubs. Except for the stupid people who like the deadbirds.

Well, I'd just like to inform everyone that the cubs now officially have NO chance of making the playoffs. Next years their year!

There was no love for IHS around town. I think my whole bus collected a total of $20 and a garbage bag of cans. Some sick twisted husk of an Iowan instead of donating money, gave an old bag of aluminum.

Wow!

High School is nuts.

And to top off all the "learning" at school, now I have to go beg people for money. The hs literally loads all of its athletes on busses and drops them off in various parts of I Town. Then they go door-to-door asking/begging for money. According to some of my XC buddies (who may be slightly biased), about 95% of the money we're going to collect goes towards football.

If we had a halfway decent football team, I probably wouldn't care that they get all the money. But our team really, really SUCKS. I don't think they won a game all year last year. And if they did, it was probably against milo or someone similar.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Orientation... Better Then Expected

Here's how I figured Freshman Orientation would go down. We'd get there 6:30 and listen to some BS from various speakers for about an hour. Then after the teachers feel that most of their audience is drifting in and out of consciousness, they'd let us go. I figured after the conclusion of the "welcome to the High School, don't screw around" presentation, everyone would burst for the doorways causing people of short stature to be trampled under-foot.

I reckoned they'd do some thing stupid like, scatter our schedules around the school and force us to go on a "scavenger hunt from hell". With our schedules in hand, we'd prance around looking for the classrooms we so joyously get to occupy for the next nine or ten months.

Well my predictions didn't really hold water. Freshman Orientation was bearable.

Sitting in auditorium was WAY better than expected. I'm sure the guys talking down on the stage said the usual, don't do drugs, do you homework, don't jack around, don't piss of the seniors, ect. ect. But most of us didn't listen to a word of it. Some thoughtful soul spared us from certain boredom by providing us with reading material to occupy our idle minds while counselors and head administrator droned on below us.

Wow. They were actually organized with the schedules. On nearly every table in the lunch room were cute yellow signs with A-C, H-J, you know. So it actually was pretty was pretty quick and painless.

Then I think the idea was for everyone to go look at their locker and check out their classrooms. Well, the door leading to the freshman wing was locked. Good Job! Nice Planning! I didn't stick around long to see if they opened it, so they might've.

Summary: other than theFreshman Hallway Blunder, it was alright

Friday, August 19, 2005

More Tasteless Humor!

I only want this if Bigfoot comes with it.
Waterfront Property on Lake Superior

This is why I don't play football. Would you want to tackled by this guy?
Vintage Football Card

Baby Terrorists

I wish Indianola was named that...
Town in Austria

I think I'm gonna go try this
Getting Back at the Junk Mail "Man"

Monday, August 15, 2005

Stop!

I was walking around at the state fair today and i noticed something. Almost every jackass not in a stroller and less than 16 had a t shirt with a band on it. They were trying to be cool, AC DC, Floyd, Hendrix, I even saw a Crows shirt.

The problem is, these kids probly listen to KISS(the station not the band) or STAR. Just for the fun of it I asked some little fat kid with a HIGH VOLTATGE shirt what it meant. He told me:
"I means AC DC" and pointed to the words AC DC. I know it would've been funnier if i had continued to the conversation, but I didn't have the balls to make a stupid little kid look even stupider.

Those band shirts were cool when only 1 or 2 kids wore them, but know they're way out of control.

So are "VOTE FOR PEDRO", personally I think shirts that say "PEDRO HAS NO POLITCAL EXPERIANCE" are more accurate.

The LAZER tent had some cool tee shirts, but i wasn't sure if u had to be over 18 to buy'm or not. One had a pic of a keg and said "TAP THAT", another had a Iowa on it and said "We have a huge caucuas"(just say caucuas a couple times out loud and you'll get it)

One last comment, at the State Fair kids that show livestock get bored. So they get fishing line, and a fake plastic spider. They hang it from a rafter and try and scare people. That needs to stop.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Childhood Obesity

All right young people, pull up a chair. There is a matter of grave concern that we must discuss. And here it is: for the love of god, put down the Xbox controller and get off you bloody ass!

Thats right, step outside once in while! Ride a bicycle! Chase a hoop with a stick down a dirt road! Whatever the devil you kids are doing these days, do some of that! For God's sake, the epidemic of childhood obesity in this country has reached absurd proportions. Not only is it terribly unhealthy for you, but, quite frankly, you're disgusting to look at(I agree) whenever I have the misfortune of having to stare at your oozing guts in the mall, or the market, or the hardware shop.

But it really is even bigger than that, young people. Collectively, all you Fatty Fattersons are making us look like imbeciles on the world stage. Look around you- at France, Pakistan, the Sudan- honestly, at any other bloody country but our own. do you see hordes of fat children running amok like you do in these fifty states? The answer, in case you were to busy gulping down your McDLT and Shamrock Shake to hear the question, is NO! So, stop embarrassing us in front of the other nations of the world! You're sending the message that we're too dumb to know any better than to shut our pieholes once our pants have stopped fitting us properly. And once they stop respecting us, they're certainly not going to come to our aid in any sort of international situation where we may want their help. (So I guess we can blame the whole Iraq thing on fat people)

So, if you remember nothing at all of what I've said here, remember this: Each beef chimichanga you mindlessly wolf down is a small victory for the terrorists. No go back to the saturated fat-filled, oversize portion I'm sure the Chili's waitress just plopped down in front of you. I can see I'm fighting a losing battle here.

My thoughts exactly, in the words of Stewie Griffin.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Leave Indians and Illini Alone!

Have you heard about this? The hyper-sensitive big wigs at the NCAA decided that they're gonna "crack down" on indian nicknames and mascot. Alright maybe Savages and Scalpers is possibly crossing a line. But teams that target a specific tribe ex. FSU Seminoles and Utah Utes, they have PERMISSION. The Indians don't care!

Now they're targeting my Illini and our Indianola Indians can't be to far down the road. Basicly what the NCAA are saying is:
"ALL American Indian names are mascots are abusive, so we're not going to let you bring your mascots to NCAA sanctioned tournaments"

Illinois Fighting Illini? You play in the NCAA Tournament, you're the Illinois Generics. Utah Utes? You're the Utah Youths. Florida State Seminoles? The Florida State Legislators, maybe?

Thats stupid enough, but it goes on...

San Diego State gets to keep Aztecs because Aztecs are not Native Americans. I guess NCAA's moral indignation stops at the U.S. border.

Idaho Vandles. That sounds pretty hostile to me, if it not abuse promoting, then at least TP'ing and window breaking supportive.

Kansas Jayhawks. Those were the abolitionist guys that killed slaveholders back in Civil War days. Again, a robber, raider, and plunderer.

Guess where the NCAA has its headquarters. INDIANapolis, INDIANa! According to NCAA policy the city and state should be renamed. Native Americanapolis, Native American.

Simpson gave into this stupid presure long ago...

Redmen! That name's catchy, you could chant that. You could feel comfortable saying it, it has an obvious mascot. So why did Simpson change it?Now they're the Storm, before they could've had a red guy dance around, now what are they gonna do. Dress a guy up as a cloud? Thats pathetic.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Fat People and Burger King

In Mexican accent "Track Spikes are sharp and we're not afraid to use them"

"I know how you can get kicked off the team, take a javilin and throw it into the crowd"

Near Chicago, theres this water park called Magic Waters, stupid name but thats not the worst part. They run all these prime time tv commercials showing people having fun at their park. Thats nothing new, everybody has comercials like that. But these magic waters people did they're comercial just a little different. They used fat people.

Yep Fat People in they're bathing suits. No skinny people at all! None, not a single one in the whole commercial. Now why exactly would they do this? Is this supposed to make me want to go there? Yipee, I have to avert my gaze everytime I see someone to avoid throwing up!

What else hmmm. What else pisses me off or at least slightly bothers me...

The new Burger King Commercials for the chicken fries based around the phrase "Bob Your Head" and tatooed creepy looking guys with chicken masks. I actually don't understand the tv ads at all. A month ago if someone would've came up to me and started shouting BOB YOUR HEAD. I'd be like "Woa, sorry I'm not gay, I don't do that sort of thing". I guess thats why BK is using this promotion, for the shock value.

Burger King food sucks like McDs. Boycott Burger King

Thursday, August 04, 2005

School

School starts in something like 3 weeks, so then this site'll get much better. But until then, I'm going to continue to post tasteless pictures and humor.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Ill-advised things to do when you're naked...


Take an Ebay pic of a shiny reflective item such as a tea kettle. And no, thats not me.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Serious problems with the following headline..

Friday, July 22, 2005

This Book Is For Real!

They're actually selling this book on amazon.com

How to Good-Bye Depression: If you Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday.